Daughter of Heaven

Bitterness

If you met me, you would see a 39-year-old career woman that was a single mother of a child. You would meet a woman that was good at her job at working at the bank as an advisor and still having time for my daughter.

My daughter’s name was Svenja, a nice old german name. She was 9 years old and the most important part of my life! I was not married and did not want romance. I was happy with my job and being a mother to Svenja. Some people may call being a single mother as a burden, but I did not want a traditional family. I did not want to become emotionally attached to many people.

I wanted Svenja to be happy and I wanted her to know her talents. I wanted her to succeed in life. I wanted her to know what her limits were. I was not a believer in children being carried away by their imagination. Svenja knew that there was no such thing as fairies or unicorns. She knew that there was no tooth fairy or Santa. She knew there was no God. I wanted Svenja to believe in herself and not some imaginary thing.

Some people would call me bitter and tell me it was wrong that it was a mistake because I taught Svenja about reality. The truth is my childhood was different. My mother was deeply religious and taught me a lot about God, Jesus, and the saints. I remember when we would visit the church and pray. I was always in awe at how quiet the church was and people lighting candles and deep in prayer.

I loved hearing how Jesus healed people and how he died for our sins. Night prayers were very special as it was a prayer with mom and me. I was a happy girl that enjoyed everything about life.

I had no dad. Mom had me when she was very young and my dad would not recognize me or take responsibility for me. This did not bother me. Mom was all that I needed.

When I was 10, the worse thing that could happen did happen. Mom got very sick and had to be in bed all the time. I remember nursing her. I never thought she would die, as being only 10, death was something I did not know about and did not understand.

Even when mom was sick in bed, she would read from the Bible and we would pray. She would smile at me and tell me some people were worse off. Some were in the hospital and were alone with their sickness. She was lucky. She had me and she had God.

Mom did not get better. Slowly she faded away. Slowly she did not smile. She became pale and weak. In the end, she did not even know who I was. I was brave when I was by her bed, but cried when I was alone. I missed my mom and wanted her back. I could not understand why she was sick.

In the end, mom died. I remember the priest, doctor and I were there. I heard one last breath and then there was quietness. The doctor said she was dead a 1:34 pm. I shook mom and told her to wake up. I told her that I needed her. The priest pulled me back and said that she was in heaven. He told me that God wanted her with him.

I was so mad that I ran out. I was sent to an orphanage and this was like growing up overnight. It was run by nuns, but I did not participate in their religious activities. Shortly after my mother died, I concluded that either God was mean for taking my mom away from me or there is simply no God. I began to think that there was no God. It made sense. When I prayed, I never heard God speak back to me. I began to notice all the wars and famines in the world. Why would God allow them? The easiest way to understand the world was to understand and accept that there was no God.

The fact that God did not exist explained why my mother was taking away from me.

I experienced some other losses. I found out I was pregnant years before Svenja came and this was the best news in my life at the time. I was looking forward to being a mother. But once again, life showed me how evil it could be when I had a miscarriage. I never met my baby, but it was just as bad as the time mom died. It totally convinced me that there was no God.

So maybe there is a reason why people think I am bitter. I do not think so. I think that I am realistic.

I wanted Svenja to have a happy childhood. She did not have to know about my mother’s death or my miscarriage. In fact, I didn’t like it when Svenja saw the news on TV. News usually is about wars, the world climate crises or something bad. I knew that Svenja would grow up, and that was time enough for her to see how fragile the world is.

Many would disagree with me, but they do not know Svenja as I know her. She was a quiet girl. She could be insecure at times and this went as far as she asked why do people like her? She liked typical girl clothes and the more girly they were, the better. She loved teddy bears and her bedroom looked like a princess room. She was everything that a mom could be proud of. Some people thought she was shy because she did not say much. Sometimes she would hide behind my skirt. I never worried about Svenja, some girls were just quiet and shy,

The school wanted Svenja to start at a special needs class. I told them no and this was a gamble. The school could have been right, maybe Svenja needed extra help. However I knew my daughter the best, and she was not mentally impaired. She did not need to be put in any extra box and treated with care. Svenja needed to be around normal children and have a normal life. Everyone thought I was wrong and told me that Svenja is not like other girls.

I picked up Svenja from school one day when she was 9. On the way home, she was telling me about school. She didn’t mention anything about friends but told me how nice the teachers were, and how fun it was to learn.

The next thing I knew was that there was a huge car coming towards us. I had no control of the car as it flew sideways. I had a quick glimpse of a car that had torpedoed into us and heard Svenja scream. The airbag opened and my head was bashed against it.

Then there was silence and everything went in slow motion. I could hear people outside trying to open the door of that car and tell us to get out. I quietly called out for Svenja, hoping that she was ok. I could not hear any answer. This worried me but I thought that I must have been in shock. I could hear sirens and the emergency people using saws to open the door.

I was put on a stretcher and rolled into the ambulance. I told the ambulance men to save Svenja and ask where she was. They tried to calm me down and then tell me that everything was fine. I looked around and could not see my daughter. All I could see was that there was a lot of action around the car wreck. It seemed like they were trying to get in the back of the car. I started screaming and calling for Svenja. Then I was given a shot that knocked me out and forced me to sleep.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. At first, I just wondered where I was and what happened. Then it all came back to me, and I started calling Svenja’s name.

A nurse came in and told me that an old woman hit us and we were in a car crash. Both I and Svenja were now in the hospital. The woman did not survive the crash. She told me that I was very lucky, as I only had scratches and was in a bit of a shock. I really did not care how I was. I asked the nurse to take me to Svenja.

I was shocked when I saw my daughter. She was in bed with a nurse next to the bed. There were tubes and a lot of machines around her. It looked like Svenja was asleep. I rushed to the bed and kissed my daughter’s forehead.

The doctor told me that Svenja is in critical condition. She was in a coma and they doubted she would come out of it. I understood the doctor. It was his way of telling me that they did not expect Svenja would survive. He continued by telling me that Svenja was brain-damaged and even if she did survive, she would be like a vegetable.

I collapsed on a chair thinking that Svenja was dying. The nurse told me that this was the worse thing a parent can be told and asked did I want to see a priest. I snapped back at her and said a priest was the last person I wanted to see.

Despite me saying I did not want a priest, one came in the room and started giving Svenja the last rites. My head was in turmoil. I do not think that anyone would ever know what it is like finding out that a child will die. Even if Svenja survived, she would be like a vegetable for the rest of her life. It was hard for me to accept that the daughter I knew was gone, and I would be left with nothing or a shell of her.

I cursed the old woman that drove into us. She was probably so old that she could not see the road. Why did they even allow old people to drive?

Then there was a commotion. The machines started going wild. Svenja was dying and the doctor was doing his best to keep my daughter alive. I rushed to the bedside and was held back by the nurse. She was telling me to let the doctor do his job. I could hear the doctor give orders and try and do everything he could.

The machines stopped making noise and there was just a signal to show that Svenja was dead. I struggled with the nurse holding me, and when I was free from her, I rushed and held Svenja’s hand. The doctor pronounced her dead at 11:42 am. I rested my head on Svenja’s body and cried so hard.

The priest put his hand on my shoulder and told me that God wanted Svenja back home with him. He was about to say that we never can understand death and at times it felt unfair. I did not want to hear. I heard it when my mom died. There was no God and the priest was wasting his life convincing me that there was a God and that he loved us. I kicked him out of the room.

I sat next to Svenja’s body as the nurse started removing tubes and the machines. Svenja looked as if she was asleep. She looked like she was in peace. I could not stop crying as I asked myself how could a child that never hurt anyone ever die so young. What would life be without Svenja? I did not want to have another child. Svenja was the best thing that happened in my life! I wondered how long I would mourn the death of my daughter? When I sat looking at the body of Svenja, I doubted that I could ever recover.

“Mommy?”

I heard a voice and recognized it as Svenjas voice. I thought it was my imagination at first. Then Svenja called for me again. I looked at my daughter and seen that she was awake. I started crying more and hugged her telling her how much I loved her. She was alive!!!

The doctor looked at Svenja and told me he could not understand it. There were no signs of any damage to Svenja’s body and there were no signs of brain-damage. The doctor said this was very unusual, as Svenja was dead so long, there would have been brain-damage.

I didn’t care about what could have happened. All I knew is that my daughter was alive and she was no vegetable. I refused to leave the room and nursed Svenja for the next few days. She was scanned and had so many tests, but they all proved the same. Svenja was a healthy 9-year-old and had no signs that she been in a car accident. Svenja was sitting up in the bed, and we talked about everything. Svenja was very polite and friendly with the nurses and even told me that she wanted to be a nurse!

The day before Svenja was to leave the hospital. We were sitting and did not have much to say. I knew that there was something on Svenja’s mind, so I told her she could tell me anything.

“ Mommy when I died, I saw heaven,” she explained, “ I was in heaven!”

All this heaven talk

Svenja told me that she saw heaven. I must admit, that this was not what I expected to hear. I just sat by Svenja and told her she should eat something and drink something. In my mind, if she ate and drank, it would prove to me that she was alive. Svenja smiled and ate some hospital pudding. I just sat back in the chair thinking how tired I was. It was only then that it hit me about the trauma I just went through. I knew I needed to rest, but I did not want to sleep. I know it sounds stupid. I just wanted to make sure my daughter was alive.

Svenja continued talking that she was in heaven, I smiled and told Svenja that it was just a dream. She knew as well as I knew that there was no heaven because there was no God. After I said this, there was some silence as Svenja continued to eat her pudding. She gave me one of her looks she usually gives me when she was annoyed at me. I had no problem in saying that it was just a dream. Svenja had to know what was real and what was imagination.

The doctor came to check Svenja and say that we could go home. He was still in shock that Svenja recovered and was ready to go home hours after she was pronounced dead. Svenja told him he knew it was a bad car crash, as he met the old woman that crashed into us in heaven. She was so sorry that she crashed into us, but Svenja said that she forgave the old woman. She was at peace now and happy in heaven.

The Doctor whispered and asked if I told her about the old woman? The only way I could explain this was Svenja seeing a glimpse of the old woman as she crashed into us.

We were on the way out of the hospital. I held on Svenja’s hand to make sure I still had my daughter. At one stage, Svenja broke away from me and went to a girl who obviously had some form of cancer.

“ Don’t be afraid to die,” Svenja said to her. “ Dying is like falling asleep and when you wake up, your kitten will be waiting for you as well as your grandparents. You will have no pain and you will get hugs from Jesus. I met your cat Bella, and she was waiting for you. Have faith and everything will be fine.”

The mother of the girl asked me how Svenja knew her daughter had a kitten that went missing. The kitten’s name was Bella. I didn’t know what to answer.

I took Svenja home.

When we got home, I sat on the chair while Svenja looked at some cartoons. I had a glass of wine to help me come back to reality. The last few hours were chaos and so confusing. So many things happened and they could not be explained. This made me feel uneasy as I preferred when things were simple and not so mysterious. Now I had Svenja back at our house, where I felt comfortable and it was our domain, maybe the craziness of the day so far would be forgotten.

“Mommy, why are you so sad?” Svenja asked me suddenly.

“ I am happy. Who says I am not happy?”

“ When I died and was in heaven, Jesus told me I should go back as you were unhappy. He knew why you were unhappy and did not want you to be sad if I was not with you.”

I told Svenja that I was going up to rest. This obsession with heaven that she had was starting to provoke me to my limits. I thought of what Svenja asked me. I always smiled when she was around and never mentioned the loss of my mother or other problems I had in my life. Why did she think that I was sad? The whole story about God letting Svenja live again because he did not want me any sadder than I was now was rubbish. If there was a God, he could have saved my mother’s life.

I did not consider myself sad. As I said before, I was a realist. I knew that life had its ups and downs, and life was often cruel. We just had to accept it and move on and try to make the best of it. There was no need to groan and whine about it, as everyone had a hard life as well.

In a way Darwin was right. “Only the strong survive.” Was it that bad that I wanted Svenja to be strong, and not depend on Religion or superstitions? Svenja had to depend on herself and know the strength lies in her, not the Bible or holy water.

Sleeping done me well. Svenja came to my room with a smile on her face and said that she drew a picture for me. It was a picture of heaven. The clouds were pink and there were lots of flowers and waterfalls, rainbows and angels. It was a nice picture and I told myself not to make a big deal out of it.

It was obvious that my daughter had an obsession with heaven. She had an obsession once about Barbie dolls and that passed. Now it was heavens turn. If I really tried to rationalize it, I could understand. She died and came back to life. She had to explain to herself that it was not a bad experience. This is where heaven came in. It was a nice thing for Svenja to think about, so the car accident was not traumatic for her.

That night, Svenja even asked should we say prayers before she slept. For a brief moment, I remembered what it was like when my mother prayed before I slept. I loved this time with my mother. When she got sick, I stopped praying. Svenja was on her knees waiting for me while I was in my own thoughts. I told her that I did not believe there was a God or there was a heaven. If she wanted to waste her time by praying, then I would not stop her.

Svenja prayed and then got into bed. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and wished her a good sleep. As I walked out the door, Svenja told me that she was not making things up. She was in heaven.

The next day, the doctor from the hospital came to visit. This was a surprise. He told me that the recovery of Svenja was so special that he had to make sure that Svenja was fine. I think it was an excuse to see me, as it only took the doctor a few minutes to check Svenja.

The doctor was a small bit older than me but very handsome. He was not married and his career took most of his time. I liked to listen to him talk and listen to his dedication. The man had a heart of gold and this made me feel comfortable around him.

I told him that Svenja was doing great, but she was convinced that she was in heaven. The doctor explained that Sven’s recovery was a miracle and he never has seen anything like it before. He told me that he heard similar stories of people that died and went to heaven and there were even films about the subject. I admitted that I did not believe in God. There was no God and there was no heaven.

“ I believe in God,” the doctor admitted, “ When you see a child being born, or an old person dying in peace, or a recovery like Svenja had, then that’s proof than me that it is just not science and medicine.”

The next day, Svenja wanted to go to school and I thought it could be good that everything was back to normal. I was happy to be back at the bank. When you work with money, there are no miracles or mysteries. The money is either there or not. You can explain where the money goes and who has it. Money also had lots of power. It gave you food and a house and it determined how well you lived. Some say that money does not buy you happiness, but I think it certainly helped. I think one reason why I liked my job was that it could be explained, and nothing people had to believe in!

When I picked Svenja up at the school, the teacher wanted to speak with me. She told me that Svenja told them about the accident and that she was in heaven. This made some children tease Svenja because they did not believe she died in the hospital because of an accident. They did not believe that Svenja went to heaven. The problem was that Svenja insisted that the whole thing was true, which meant that she had a bad day.

The teacher was surprised that Svenja was so open that day as she was always a quiet girl. The teacher also concluded that Svenja had a good imagination. I smiled and at the same time kicked myself. I told the teacher that Svenja was in an accident and was pronounced dead for a while. It was my fault. I should have told her.

The teacher was speechless as I took Svenjas’s hand. I wanted to tell Svenja that people could be so cruel and it was often because of jealousy. Svenja had to stop telling others about heaven. It was her imagination.

It did not help when we came home that there was a priest outside the door. He told me that he heard that Svenja had an experience where she went to heaven. The priest heard it from the priest at the hospital. The priest looked like he was a nice man, that was clutching his Bible. I was not afraid of him. However, when he asked to be let in, I told him that he was not welcome.

“It will not take long,” he insisted, “Your daughter needs someone to talk with and help her with her experience in heaven. She needs spiritual guidance.”

“ I am sorry, but you have to find someone else.” I answered, “ The fact is that we do not believe in God. I do not allow priests to visit me to try and convince me that I am a lost soul or a prodigal child of God. There is no God.”

Svenja and I walked in and I closed the door leaving the priest outside. I felt sorry for him. He was wasting his time on something that did not even exist.

Svenja was not smiling. She climbed on my lap and told me that I was a lost soul.

“When I was in heaven,” she said, “ I met Jesus. He was dressed in white with a gold belt. He had dark skin and a dark beard and hair. He had holes in his wrists and legs. Jesus was smiling and he even let me sit on his lap. He told me stories and even jokes. Like he said did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! I didn’t understand that joke.”

I admit that it made me smile.

“ I liked Jesus.” Svenja continued, “ That’s when he told me that you were sad. He told me he wanted to be your friend, but he lost you. He would be so happy if you could be his friend again.”

Something snapped in me. Memories of my mother on her sickbed came back.

“There is no God.” I told Svenja, “ The visit you had in heaven was just a dream. If there was a God, he would be here now speaking with us. He would not allow you to be teased at school. He would not allow bad things to happen. I am not a lost soul. I just know what the truth is. I am not fooled by something that conned people for thousands of years.”

I told Svenja that I did not want her talking about God or heaven.

Svenja ran to her room shouting that I was wrong. She shouted that she loved me, but she also felt sorry for me!

Redemption from a Daughter

I didn’t want to censor Svenja in what she was allowed to talk about and not talk about. However, I was convinced that the whole visit to heaven was her imagination. I really did worry that Svenjas obsession with heaven could do her harm in the long run. I knew that Svenja was mad at me when I told her no more talk about heaven But I was also sure that she would understand in the long run

After all, religion was something that man invented. Throughout history, Religion has been used to control people and our morality. There were never so many serious sins than those committed by the Church leaders. They have done everything they told the normal person was wrong. On top of this, religion is responsible for a lot of wars in the world. If there was a God, he would most like frown at the religious organizations and the way they have done things.

The next day, I was at the bank. It was a nice day, so I sat in the park eating a sandwich. I was thinking so much about Svenja and what the wise thing would be to do. I was interrupted when the doctor from the hospital sat down beside me. We started talking. It was a relief that we talked about everything except Svenja. It was nice to think about something else. The more that we talked, the more that I found out that we had things in common. The only difference was that the doctor was a strong man of faith.

We finally did talk about Svenja. The doctor told me not to close my heart and to give my daughter the benefit of the doubt. She could have been in heaven. How did she know about the dying girl and her kitten? How did he know that something made me sad and bitter? The Doctor also said that Svenja was raised as an atheist. Would an atheist say that they have seen heaven?

I was late getting back to work. I admit that I had fun with the doctor and he was a man I liked spending time with. I knew that I had problems with Svenja at the moment. However, I had to be optimistic. Svenja died and if she did not wake up, it would be far worse. I would have been mourning now. At least I had Svenja.

When we were home that night, Svenja was very silent. She did not say much to me and just went to her room. I thought about everything that Svenja said about her trip to heaven and what the doctor told me. Maybe what was needed is that Svenja and I had a long talk about what happened. She could tell me what she believed in and I could talk to her what I believed in. We would most likely not agree, but we could agree that we disagree with each other, but will respect each other

I walked into Svenja’s room. She was sitting on the bed combing her doll’s hair.

“ Are you still mad at me?” she asked

“ Oh, I was never mad at you. I am just worried about you. You were pronounced dead and suddenly you came back to us as if you were never in a car crash. Then you tell everyone I was in heaven. This was so confusing for me and I do not know what to do”

“ I was in heaven!” Svenja insisted

“ I know that is what you believe. You understand it’s hard for me to believe because I do not believe in God.”

“ I know,” Svenja sighed, “ I met granny in heaven. She said that you used to believe in God. However, she died when you were a small bit older than me. You thought that was unfair and stopped believing in God because of it.”

“ You met your grandmother?”

“ Yes. She said its hard to understand when God calls a person back to him, especially when it seems unfair. Granny loves you and you were the best thing in her life. She has always been in your heart and is so proud of you.”

I felt tears in my eyes and told Svenja I had to go. My daughter told me that she also met her sister, that told Svenja that she was never born.

I went to my bedroom, and found a picture of my mom and clutched on to it. Svenja was never told about her, never mind her death. I never told Svenja that I had a miscarriage. I was so confused and so sad. How did Svenja know these things? The only logical thing was that Svenja was in heaven. This was a big deal to me, as it meant that I spent years believing something else.

Svenja was also right about me being sad. I never grieved the loss of my mother. I just got mad at God and shut him out of my life.

I rang the doctor and told him everything. I do not know how he understood me as I was sobbing on the telephone. He did not say much and was a good listener. In the end, he said that it was like being born again. He also asked me out for a date.

It probably was the worse time to ask me for a date. I never needed a relationship. Deep down I was protecting myself from someone becoming to close to me. I was afraid that I would lose them. Now I remembered Svenja’s words, saying that my mom was always with me. She never left me. She was protecting me.

I said yes to the date.

I then went up to hug Svenja and say we were going for a drive. We went to my mother’s grave. It was there I told Svenja that I believed her and then I told her everything about my mother.

After that, we went to the Church. I was back and wanted God back in my life. When I opened the Bible, I read this:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn,

for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart,

for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Gospel of Matthew5:3–10